"A skilled military operation cultivates the Tao, yet preserves the Methods. Thus, one can become master of victory and defeat."
- Sun Tzu

A popular notion in self-help and positive psychology is the concept that our feelings about the world is determined by our perspective - that is, how we judge it. This is a concept best expressed by Shakespeare in Hamlet when the titular character tells us: "There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." That is to say, if we think, or judge, an event to be bad, then we will feed bad (angry, anxious, etc.) about it.

Thus, we are told, if we want to feel better about a situation, then we need to shift our perspective and view it differently. Cognitive behavioral psychologists call this technique "reframing." It involves taking a step back or away from the situation so that we can view it more objectively or positively. The more objectively or positively we view a situation, then the more objectively or positively we will feel, and thus respond, to the situation.

So how does reframing work? Like trying on new glasses, you try different perspectives to help you view the situation differently. For example, if someone cuts you off on the highway, rather than getting upset, you can frame the situation differently saying: "Maybe this driver is an urgent situation or didn't see me."

Or if you miss your bus, rather than get upset or anxious, you can frame the situation differently by saying: "Oh well, now I can get more reading done as I wait for the next bus to come."

Or if you find out your star-colleague just quit her job, rather than panic for the work you might have to fill in for, you can frame it differently and say, "This gives me an opportunity to step up and improve my skills."  

On the surface, reframing makes sense. And indeed, it is a very effective tool for helping us feel and respond differently to situations that befall us. The problem with reframing, though, is that it doesn't address the real reason why we need to use the technique in the first place - the fact that we become rattled, angry, worried, etc. to the event in the first place.

Why would we get upset when a driver cuts us off? Why would we panic if we miss our bus or a colleague leaves?

The reason why we get emotional in these situations is not because of our thoughts, but because these emotions are natural responses to situations in which we feel a lack of control. As human beings, we have an inherent need to feel a sense of control over our situation - ourselves, our relationships, our future.

This need is tied to our sense of calmness and well-being. When we feel in control of a situation, we feel calm and confident. When we don't, we feel emotional, anxious, upset. As bestselling author Robert Greene writes in The 48 Laws of Power, “The feeling of having no power over people and events is generally unbearable to us – when we feel helpless, we feel miserable.”

No amount of reframing is going to get rid of this need. And no amount of objectivity or positive thinking is going to overcome it. These things may help us feel better about the situation and view it more calmly or positively, but unless we acknowledge and address this underlying need, we will always be at struggle with ourselves to maintain this positive or calm attitude.

So how then do we approach situations that rattle us and gain real calm and composure? Or is the situation hopeless? As you can imagine, Sun Tzu provides a way.

For Sun Tzu, the role of the general is to ensure the nation's security (an). He does this first by examining the Way (Tao). For Sun Tzu, this means understanding the purpose by which the ruler commands and unifies the people. If the purpose is clear and strong, then the Way forward is clear. Any events that occur - whether fortunate or not - will be reflected clearly in light of the Way.

Next, he gathers as much information and intelligence as he can - about the ground, about the weather, about the enemy, about his own army and nation.

Lastly, he takes this information and analyzes it, asking questions: What are we trying to do or achieve? What are all the obstacles we face? Where is the enemy strong or weak? Where are we strong or weak?

Based on his answers to these questions, he develops a response to whatever situation is in front of him.

This whole process is predicated on understanding the Way - that is, understanding how the ruler seeks to lead the people and whether this leadership is strong and clear. Without the Way, the whole analysis becomes useless.

Likewise, this is the approach we need to take in our own lives. When an event occurs, we need to ask ourselves not simply "How can I view this differently?", but rather: "What does this mean in terms of my purpose?" How does it affect my path forward? Then we can better understand our own feelings and determine a response.

If your sense of purpose is clear, then the meaning or impact of the event will be clearer to you. It won't easily shake you, because you'll have greater certainty of where you are on the path.

As a result, you won't need to "reframe" your thinking after the event occurs, because your sense of purpose becomes your primary frame, your Way. It is the perspective by which you view life.

If your sense of purpose is not clear, then it is important to go back to step one and ask: What is my purpose? What am I trying to ultimately do or achieve in life, and why? While reframing may help you in the moment to deal with a difficult situation, no amount of reframing is going to give you the answer to this question.

And it is only by cultivating a deep sense of purpose that you'll be able to find real calm or peace.

In a previous post, I wrote about why Sun Tzu advised against ever acting out of anger. Anger, by its nature, is a destructive emotion. People who are angry are driven to put down, insult, ridicule, or otherwise hurt someone else. The Sun Tzu Way is not based on destruction, but on growth and security. It's aim is to find the best solution for all parties, not just yourself (what Sun Tzu calls quan, or wholeness, a core value of the Sun Tzu Way).

Even more, behind every angry reaction is a sense of disbelief. That is to say, anger signals one's inability to accept reality. For Sun Tzu, this is dangerous, as a general needs to keep a cool head in order to understand his situation clearly.

This sounds nice, of course, but you may wondering: what happens when I do get angry? How do I deal with anger in a way that is productive and doesn't get me in trouble?

My immediate suggestion would be to take a deep breath so you can calm your brain down enough to think. After that, there are two simple questions I suggest you ask yourself before taking any immediate action. These questions are

1. What would I gain from acting right now out of anger? What would I gain from cursing that person out, yelling at someone, getting defensive, throwing a tantrum, etc.? How would I benefit from doing this?
2. What could I lose from acting out of anger? What might be the consequences? What cost would it have on my reputation, my relationship, or even my own sense of self-worth?

Asking these two simple questions shifts your focus away from the destructive, vengeful path and towards thinking in terms of cost-benefit. For Sun Tzu, the main objective in war is not to destroy the enemy, but to end up in a better, stronger, more secure position than before.

Likewise, in life, every action bears a cost. An angry-driven mindset is not thinking about how to make your situation better. Rather, it is driven to think about how to hurt something or someone.

Asking these questions may not get rid of your anger (for that, I suggest following my "letting flow" technique), but it will allow you to reframe your thinking so that you are acting strategically.  

"Anger can return to happiness. Resentment can return to content."
- Sun Tzu

If there were a list of emotions to describe how many people feel in today's world, anger would probably be near the top of the list. Everyone feels angry - angry at the government, at the opposing political party, at greedy corporations, at our neighbors, at our bosses or coworkers, at our spouses, at life in general.

Even more, we all tend to feel justified in feeling angry. We all feel justified in cursing the person who cuts us off or yelling at the "idiot" online who spouts something "ignorant" in the comments section. We all feel like the world is crazy or unjust and we're the only sane or moral ones.

For Sun Tzu, however, no emotion is more destructive to acquiring a sense of peace and security (what he calls an) than anger. In war, anger makes us act rashly, put ourselves and others at risk, and ultimately undermine what we are trying to accomplish.

But just what is anger? Why is it so dangerous? And what can we learn from The Art of War in trying to control our anger so that we can cultivate stillness and calm in our lives? The following are three lessons I've learnt from Sun Tzu on controlling my anger:

1. Understand the source of your anger. Understand what anger is and deep, emotional need it stems from inside you.
2. Shift your values. Move away from the idea that you have to take revenge on the person that causes your anger. Focus instead on what you will actually gain from (not) taking a certain action.
3. Make controlling your anger a game. Reward yourself on your ability to control your anger. View this ability as an essential skill in achieving happiness and success in life, with showing compassion for people who irritate or bother you as the ultimate sign of this skill.

​Let's view each lesson in depth.

Lesson 1: Understand the source of your anger
The first step to controlling one's anger is to understand what it is and where it comes from.

Truth is, anger is a difficult emotion to define. Everyone knows what anger looks like - yelling, cursing, insulting, violent outbursts, rage. But this is simply how anger manifests itself. Something deeper is going on.

Quite simply, anger is an emotion that occurs when something doesn't go the way we believe it should go, or want or "need" it to go. It is our emotional reaction to when someone or something violates an underlying belief we have about how the world should or needs to operate world.

All anger betrays a hidden ideal - one we are emotionally invested in and feel the world should conform to. When you get angry, for example, at someone cutting you off in traffic, your reaction betrays an underlying belief in a standard of behavior on the road where people should drive respectfully and safely, not carelessly or selfishly.

Thus, anger is usually tied to a feeling of justice. We feel justified in showing our displeasure at others (honking, giving the finger, yelling, etc.) - to make them feel discomfort or even pain at having violated our ideal.

Even deeper, though, is what a person or thing's violation of our ideal means to us, on a deep, albeit unconscious level. The ideals we hold about how the world should operate usually relate to our emotional wants and needs - whether we are conscious of this or not. Thus, someone violating our ideals demonstrates, to us, a lack of care for - or even a refusal to care for - our emotional wants and needs.

So, for example, our angry response at someone cutting us off in traffic reveals an emotional need for respect. Our angry response at an opposing political party reveals our need to be considered and recognized. Our angry response at losing a game reveals our underlying need to win, to conquer, to be seen as the best.

Thus, if you want to control your anger, the first thing to do is understand what's the source of your anger. Ask yourself:

• What are the situations that tend to get me angry? Why?
• What standard or expectation do I have that gets me angry when someone or something violates it?
• What does this standard or expectation reveal about my own emotional needs?

Write your response down and take some time to reflect and see if it rings true. For myself, I tend to get angry when I feel people question or insult my intelligence (e.g. with sarcasm). This reveals a deep emotional need to have people recognize my intelligence, how smart I am.

Going through these questions won't get rid of your anger, but it puts distance between you and your anger, giving you more power over it. 

Lesson 2: Shift your values
For Sun Tzu, anger is dangerous for two reasons:

1. Anger betrays an underlying difficulty with accepting reality. When you are angry, you are literally struggling with accepting the fact that someone cut you off or forgot to call you back or ignored you, etc. Behind every instance of anger is disbelief. Staying too long in anger only extends this difficulty with accepting things as they are, thus not allowing us to adapt to the actual reality we are facing. In war, this is very dangerous, as anger can cloud our understanding and lead us to make rash or faulty decision-making, rising lives and the security of the nation.
2. Anger leads you towards destructive behavior. Anger always tends to make us more aggressive, more violent, more vengeful, more willing to dole out insult or pain. For Sun Tzu, the general's aim is not to destroy the enemy - that takes up precious resources. Rather, the aim is to win without battle, making the nation stronger and more secure than it was before the conflict. Sometimes this requires making peace with one's enemy, reducing any tensions or animosity. Acting from anger, however, undermines this; doing it will only intensify the tension, not de-escalate it.

Given this, there are two questions we need to ask ourselves: How do I stop myself from getting angry? And if I do get angry, how do I stop myself from acting from anger?

For Sun Tzu, preventing yourself from getting angry requires shifting your values. The reason why we indulge anger, letting it boil until we react, is because we value revenge or aggression in the face of someone violating our standards or expectations. We feel justified in taking action against someone.

The problem is that taking revenge does very little to make you stronger, better, or more secure later. This is the value you need to focus on and cultivate in your daily life: making gains. As Sun Tzu tells us, "Killing the enemy is a matter of anger. Taking the enemy's advantages is a matter of profit."

For Sun Tzu, the wise general doesn't value death or destruction, but profit and security. He isn't focused on how to get the enemy back or whether the enemy's situation is worse. Rather, he focuses on whether he and his army have made or can make any gains. He asks: Are we stronger? Is our position more secure? Are we in a better position to attack and win? Do we have a greater advantage over the enemy?

Sun Tzu gives us a simple rule:

"If there is no advantage, do not move. If there is nothing to gain, do not mobilize. If there is no danger, do not battle."

The wise general never acts from anger, but only from profit - the ability to actually gain advantage or make progress.

In your own life, you must ask yourself continually: Am I getting better? Am I getting smarter? Am I more confident? Will taking this action give me greater or lesser peace or security?

The more you think from the perspective of making gains, the harder it will be to stay angry or get angry in the first place. You'll realize that getting angry will gain you nothing, even if it means hurting whoever got you upset. The enemy losing doesn't mean anything. What matters is only if you have gained something - something positive, helpful, useful.

Lesson 3: Make controlling your anger a game
Of course, there will be times when you will get angry and you will be tempted to act from your anger. In these situations, Sun Tzu suggests making a game of your situation.

For Sun Tzu, one of the best ways to gain in war is by stealing the opponent's resources. Thus, he advises a general to create a system where the first unit to capture enemy soldiers or enemy weapons will get a reward. In addition, he advises the general to instruct his soldiers to value the enemy's food as if it were worth twenty times their own food.

You too can apply the same principle to your own life. In my own life, for example, one game I play is that I give myself a point if, when I am angry or irritated because of something someone says or does, I simply am able to keep my cool and not say anything in response. If I can leave that situation without arguing or saying something sarcastic, I get one point. I give myself two points if I can even be nice to person.

The ultimate test of your skill in controlling your anger is if you can cultivate compassion for those with whom you're angry. So one game, if you want to get better at this, is, when you're feeling angry or annoyed at someone, to try to see things from the other person's perspective or situation. Ask yourself: maybe this person had a bad day, or this person was not raised the same way, or this person is not trying to be malicious but just made an honest mistake. Or maybe - just maybe - this person may actually have a point, something to be considered.

In short, understanding the source of your anger, shifting your values and focus, and playing these kinds of anger control games are useful in getting you to shift away from revenge or violence and move towards Sun Tzu's ultimate goal - strength and security (an).