Why "reframing" won't save you

"A skilled military operation cultivates the Tao, yet preserves the Methods. Thus, one can become master of victory and defeat."
- Sun Tzu

A popular notion in self-help and positive psychology is the concept that our feelings about the world is determined by our perspective - that is, how we judge it. This is a concept best expressed by Shakespeare in Hamlet when the titular character tells us: "There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." That is to say, if we think, or judge, an event to be bad, then we will feed bad (angry, anxious, etc.) about it.

Thus, we are told, if we want to feel better about a situation, then we need to shift our perspective and view it differently. Cognitive behavioral psychologists call this technique "reframing." It involves taking a step back or away from the situation so that we can view it more objectively or positively. The more objectively or positively we view a situation, then the more objectively or positively we will feel, and thus respond, to the situation.

So how does reframing work? Like trying on new glasses, you try different perspectives to help you view the situation differently. For example, if someone cuts you off on the highway, rather than getting upset, you can frame the situation differently saying: "Maybe this driver is an urgent situation or didn't see me."

Or if you miss your bus, rather than get upset or anxious, you can frame the situation differently by saying: "Oh well, now I can get more reading done as I wait for the next bus to come."

Or if you find out your star-colleague just quit her job, rather than panic for the work you might have to fill in for, you can frame it differently and say, "This gives me an opportunity to step up and improve my skills."  

On the surface, reframing makes sense. And indeed, it is a very effective tool for helping us feel and respond differently to situations that befall us. The problem with reframing, though, is that it doesn't address the real reason why we need to use the technique in the first place - the fact that we become rattled, angry, worried, etc. to the event in the first place.

Why would we get upset when a driver cuts us off? Why would we panic if we miss our bus or a colleague leaves?

The reason why we get emotional in these situations is not because of our thoughts, but because these emotions are natural responses to situations in which we feel a lack of control. As human beings, we have an inherent need to feel a sense of control over our situation - ourselves, our relationships, our future.

This need is tied to our sense of calmness and well-being. When we feel in control of a situation, we feel calm and confident. When we don't, we feel emotional, anxious, upset. As bestselling author Robert Greene writes in The 48 Laws of Power, “The feeling of having no power over people and events is generally unbearable to us – when we feel helpless, we feel miserable.”

No amount of reframing is going to get rid of this need. And no amount of objectivity or positive thinking is going to overcome it. These things may help us feel better about the situation and view it more calmly or positively, but unless we acknowledge and address this underlying need, we will always be at struggle with ourselves to maintain this positive or calm attitude.

So how then do we approach situations that rattle us and gain real calm and composure? Or is the situation hopeless? As you can imagine, Sun Tzu provides a way.

For Sun Tzu, the role of the general is to ensure the nation's security (an). He does this first by examining the Way (Tao). For Sun Tzu, this means understanding the purpose by which the ruler commands and unifies the people. If the purpose is clear and strong, then the Way forward is clear. Any events that occur - whether fortunate or not - will be reflected clearly in light of the Way.

Next, he gathers as much information and intelligence as he can - about the ground, about the weather, about the enemy, about his own army and nation.

Lastly, he takes this information and analyzes it, asking questions: What are we trying to do or achieve? What are all the obstacles we face? Where is the enemy strong or weak? Where are we strong or weak?

Based on his answers to these questions, he develops a response to whatever situation is in front of him.

This whole process is predicated on understanding the Way - that is, understanding how the ruler seeks to lead the people and whether this leadership is strong and clear. Without the Way, the whole analysis becomes useless.

Likewise, this is the approach we need to take in our own lives. When an event occurs, we need to ask ourselves not simply "How can I view this differently?", but rather: "What does this mean in terms of my purpose?" How does it affect my path forward? Then we can better understand our own feelings and determine a response.

If your sense of purpose is clear, then the meaning or impact of the event will be clearer to you. It won't easily shake you, because you'll have greater certainty of where you are on the path.

As a result, you won't need to "reframe" your thinking after the event occurs, because your sense of purpose becomes your primary frame, your Way. It is the perspective by which you view life.

If your sense of purpose is not clear, then it is important to go back to step one and ask: What is my purpose? What am I trying to ultimately do or achieve in life, and why? While reframing may help you in the moment to deal with a difficult situation, no amount of reframing is going to give you the answer to this question.

And it is only by cultivating a deep sense of purpose that you'll be able to find real calm or peace.