Two simple questions to ask yourself the next time you're angry

In a previous post, I wrote about why Sun Tzu advised against ever acting out of anger. Anger, by its nature, is a destructive emotion. People who are angry are driven to put down, insult, ridicule, or otherwise hurt someone else. The Sun Tzu Way is not based on destruction, but on growth and security. It's aim is to find the best solution for all parties, not just yourself (what Sun Tzu calls quan, or wholeness, a core value of the Sun Tzu Way).

Even more, behind every angry reaction is a sense of disbelief. That is to say, anger signals one's inability to accept reality. For Sun Tzu, this is dangerous, as a general needs to keep a cool head in order to understand his situation clearly.

This sounds nice, of course, but you may wondering: what happens when I do get angry? How do I deal with anger in a way that is productive and doesn't get me in trouble?

My immediate suggestion would be to take a deep breath so you can calm your brain down enough to think. After that, there are two simple questions I suggest you ask yourself before taking any immediate action. These questions are

1. What would I gain from acting right now out of anger? What would I gain from cursing that person out, yelling at someone, getting defensive, throwing a tantrum, etc.? How would I benefit from doing this?
2. What could I lose from acting out of anger? What might be the consequences? What cost would it have on my reputation, my relationship, or even my own sense of self-worth?

Asking these two simple questions shifts your focus away from the destructive, vengeful path and towards thinking in terms of cost-benefit. For Sun Tzu, the main objective in war is not to destroy the enemy, but to end up in a better, stronger, more secure position than before.

Likewise, in life, every action bears a cost. An angry-driven mindset is not thinking about how to make your situation better. Rather, it is driven to think about how to hurt something or someone.

Asking these questions may not get rid of your anger (for that, I suggest following my "letting flow" technique), but it will allow you to reframe your thinking so that you are acting strategically.